The article is about a recent study that states that women of today are less happy than in generations past, and men are happier. Then the author talks about the reasons she feels that is true.
I've thought about this a lot, as it seems that myself and many of my peers just seem to 'struggle' more than a lot of our mothers did in our roles and our attitudes and feelings towards being a Mom. Maybe our Moms just aren't remembering things the way they really were, or maybe they didn't feel the same conflict in roles and responsibilities that we do now. Maybe they didn't feel only the pull of a myriad of responsibilities, but more so, maybe they didn't have to deal with the same plethora of opportunities.
For what it's worth, I am much happier than I was at 20. More stressed at times, more frustrated, and I spend more time at the 'end of my rope'. But definitely happier. Life has more purpose, and I'm surrounded by people who love me absolutely.
I often wonder if I'd grown up in another time, raised my children in another era, how that would affect my frustration level. If I'd started having kids at 20, never having had a career of my own for nearly a decade, how would my satisfaction level as a mother be different? How would that affect how I rate 'fulfillment' in my role?
Being a Mom is the greatest thing I've ever experienced. I don't handle it perfectly, I make a lot of mistakes, but I've also never done something that I've felt as 'made' for . . . I look at my girls and realize on a deep, profound level, that nobody on earth could love these two people the way I do. I have a firm belief that I was created to be able to mother. I remind myself of that when there are times I feel like things are getting out of control, out of hand. But how is my experience as a mother different than my own Mom's, or Grandma's?
The post talked about several things I've given lots of thought to and how they affect me and those I care about:
• "We live in a very “me-focused” society . . . Self is pre-eminent in this day and age."
• "We live in a very “therapeutic society” . . . constantly lying down on our virtual couches, taking our own temperatures, assessing our state of happiness/unhappiness in a way that other people didn’t in the past."
• "Those who study human life cycle development will tell you there has been a marked prolonging of adolescence and a delayed assumption of adult roles."
• "You don’t have to fill all your own needs in order to really be happy and help others, in fact we’re told in service and losing ourselves, we find ourselves."
• "The interesting part of this study too is that men are getting happier (while they attribute it to decreased pressure to be the sole breadwinner), I find it interesting that men, as compared with previous generations, have become more involved in housework and the care of their children."
• "Our culture teaches us that freedom and leisure = happiness. Face it, kids and domestic life are the opposite of leisure and freedom."
The following is probably the quote that stuck out the most to me:
"If you see happiness pleasure, a mere emotion, something you can’t control, then having children probably will make you less happy. Yet if you view happiness a choice, something we assign to our lives when we are doing something we feel is important and has purpose, despite our momentary emotions - you probably won’t feel the same way."
Are women really less happy than they were in generations past? Now that we have microwaves, minivans and don't have to wash clothes out on a line? And if so, why? I don't feel unhappy, but I know a lot of Moms who struggle with this . . . and many of us seem to find this whole motherhood gig tougher than we ever thought it'd be. I love blogging (obviously) . . . but what, if any, affect has it had on maternal satisfaction levels? My Mom is constantly 'shocked' by how many young mothers social needs are met online and through blogging, rather than face to face play dates and girls nights out. Are we pulling too far away from face to face socializing? How does that affect our thoughts on, and ability to cope with, motherhood? But, at the same time, doesn't blogging bring the whole world of human (and mother) experience right to our homes, where we can always find someone who's gone through what we are currently dealing with? I know finding others that understood extreme colic to be helpful, as I didn't feel as much like the only Mom in the world who's baby was possessed. But again, was too much time spent trying to find and read and analyze the problems we were having, rather just dealing with it and living through it and getting past it? (I'm totally just stream of conscience babbling here, I haven't actually decided how I feel about any of this.) Now that I'm out of the work force, I know I miss daily interaction and face to face time with other adults . . . do I rely too much on the internet, phone and email to connect me with others now, all the while conveniently getting my dishes done or letting the baby nap? How would my life be different, how would my experience as a Mother be different, if I got more face to face time with other adults, specifically Moms. (I actually do get together with other women at least a few times a week, while the girls are playing with their kids. And much like how once Annie got a taste for friends, she now asks me everyday when a friend is coming over to play, now that I am more used to different women coming over and just hanging out and talking, I feel a loss when that doesn't happen enough.) How would things for me be different if that time was doubled, and I took all strangers blogs out of my google reader? (I don't know where I'd start.) But again, blogging is something that I've enjoyed immensely. It has connected me with new friends, and definitely brought old friends back into my life in a way they wouldn't have been. So a blend of 'real life' and 'virtual life' is not only possible, but has broadened my social circle in a very positive way.
OK, I'm totally just randomly typing here, I've even complete focus and direction, but those are some of the thoughts shooting around in my head. That I'm now sharing with the internets! What are your guys' thoughts?
11 comments:
That's a tough one. I can understand why there are so many mothers out there that aren't happy. If for no other reason that life is just more complicated now. One of the things that I learned in college was that a lot of women who work outside of the home (same as their husbands) still come home and shoulder most of the household responsibilities. So it's like they are working two full time jobs. I'm lucky in that my husband helps out a lot with the kids but I take credit for a little bit of that training (my constand nagging of, "I work just as many if not MORE hours than you which means you get to do just as much as I do at home."). I think women are stretched thinner than they used to be. But that doesn't knock you stay at home mom's either, when I was home on maternity leave last summer with all three of my kids there was a part of me that looked forward to going back to work. No matter how you look at it it's tough being a mom today (working or stay at home). Hmm .. now I'm just rambling.
Oh . . . another one: I think our kids are a lot more 'involved' than generations past . . . plays, sports, after school stuff . . . that adds to the 'complicated' lives that Kerry was describing!
I don't know that I think people are less happy, maybe just more comfortable expressing their feelings. I also think that our generation has more expectations from life then past generations so if they don't have it all they feel inadequate. There is a lot of entitlement out there people now think everything should be given to them and they shouldn't have to work for things so when the real world hits them they are maybe disappointed whch can be mistaken for unhappy. Now I am rambling.. I guess this subject makes you ramble.
I'd actually thought about that a lot too, Amber . . . like are we as a generation actually unhappier, or are we just more open about it . . . Is there more depression, PPD,anxiety, feeling unfulfilled in motherhood, etc, than in the past . .. or are we now just fortunate enough to have it out in the open (and we've already established I'm an 'out in the open' kinda person with my miscarriage post). Does having it out there mean we're more unhappy, or actually dealing with it better, and therefore happier . . .
I'm rambling.
I love what you said about entitlement.
I think a simpler way of life is probably, all in all, less unhappy due to less stress . . . but I think of all the happiness I've had from education, work accomplishments, just knowing more of what I'm capable of and of having more oppportunities in life, and I can't imagine being as happy without some of those experiences . . .
Rambling again :-)
I agree with Howard Family in that I think it's both - we're more comfortable in expressing our feelings, but we're also suffering from some weird sense of entitlement that happiness just 'happens' to us, rather than something to be working towards, and ultimately a choice that we make. We feel like we deserve it all, and we seem to think that we deserve it all RIGHT NOW. And while I think we can have it all, I don't think we can have it all at once. And I think that happiness is something that is both worked for and a choice. And I'm referring more to general life dissatisfaction, not PPD or serious depression. Although in those cases, I generally think that part of working towards happiness is being willing to explore all options for overcoming and/or treating our depression. Happiness is work, man. And we shouldn't expect immediate results anymore than we should expect to be able to build a house in a day. But we can choose to stay positive about the journey, too.
Wow, you're not kidding about rambling. I probably shouldn't try to weigh in on heavy topics while the soundtrack of HSM3 is blaring in the background.
There are some interesting thoughts in this post! I'm going to have to come back and digest this a bit, and then I may even do a post on it myself. My own "off the cuff" reaction to modern women's unhappiness is this:
The plan of salvation is sometimes called living life "after the manner of happiness." The prophets teach us that for most women this should be at home caring for our little treasures as they grow from babes in arms to useful adults. There are an awful lot of women who don't do this. I'm not talking about the ones who CAN'T. I think the Lord has special blessings for those who really, legitimately CAN'T. But there are a lot of women who don't. Society doesn't value Mothering. It's hard work. And fewer and fewer people are full-time mothers. Fewer and fewer couples are married before they start having children. Fewer and fewer couples are staying together. As a culture, we have been moving away from living "after the manner of happiness" for quite a while, so I guess that it's not terribly surprising to me that we're not as happy as previous generations that lived the ideal family more completely.
Also, I originially came to visit your blog today to tell you that I got your barrette off in the mail yesterday, so it should be coming shortly! Let me know when it gets there, please, just so I know it got there safely.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I am happy and yes my life revolves around my kids an husband. I don't always do what I want, but I wouldn't have it any other way. We all have bad and good days. I just try to focus on the good. And as your friends have said we as a society are more comfortable expressing our feelings good or bad.
I'll have to read the article, but then maybe not I sometimes just like to be ignorant and be in my happy little world. I notice the simplier I keep my life the happier we are as a family.
You ask: How happy are you?
I answer: VERY! I am overwhelmingly happy with my job, my marriage, my relationship with friends and family, etc
But then feel weird about responding since I have no kids and may be one of those women who have prolonged her adolescence by waiting to get married and then waiting even longer to have a family.
Then decide it is still ok to respond, because I have had to work at all those things listed above to make sure that I stay satisfied with them, and that I am selfless in my pursuit of happiness. And, I am aware that whatever adventures come at me in life, including having children, I will have to continue to work hard to maintain a level of happiness, satisfaction, and balance in my life.
I don't know if I was very well spoken/written in this response. It is a really interesting subject, and one that it hard to put into words.
I have to say that I am happy!! Just like everyone else has said, we have our good and bad days. The important thing is that we keep on focusing on what is important to us, the big picture. I wouldn't trade my life now for anything. I have had the experience working before I became a mother and I love this so much more. Happiness is a choice. It's all on how you look at it.
First off, Hil, let me just say that I LOVE reading your blog. You are very thought provoking and entertaining. This blog in particular hits home to me since I've only been a mother for 2 weeks now and have a completely new take on life. Being a mother to a newborn is challenging to say the least. I can only imagine how my life will change and what I will experience as my son grows. I have been thinking about how my mom, grandmothers, etc. ever did this "in their day." Nathan's grandmother had 6 children--all c-sections. She is in her late 70s. How did she do it back then? It inspires me and gives me hope to know that THEY did it in much harder circumstances, and that I surely should be able to do it too. However, I do think that we have much more pulling at us. For instance, because I am planning on going back to work for a few more years, even though I'm on maternity leave I'm trying to keep up on a few things, at least major emails, at work. I can't be a supervisor of 6 employees, have the company going through major restructuring, and just expect to jump back in 6 weeks from now if I'm not "plugged in" at least every few days. Did our grandmothers have that kind of pressure? As for the blogging/ internet experience vs. face to face, I agree with your mixed bag of thoughts about having a balance between face time and facebook/ blogging time. I have found the internet has made me feel connected to the outside world despite being shut in while I heal from my child's birth. All my family live at least 1500 miles away. Without the internet I would not be able to share my child's first 2 weeks of life with them in the way I have. They are able to share in our joy. All in all, I think happiness is a CHOICE, and agree that motherhood is THE BEST job in the world, and that I too was "made" to be a mother. Thank you for blogging about this!
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