You Can't Go Back . . .

This has been rolling around in my mind for awhile. Don't really know why, it just has.

Life seems to be a series of steps that bring us to (hopefully) somewhere wonderful and new, and even better than before.

But, I think we spend too much of our lives looking to that next step.

What single woman doesn't have moments of (or some who drown themselves in) "If only . . . " "When it happens . . . " "When I get there . . . " Now, I love being married to Greg. There is no single thing in my entire life that has turned out as well for me as marrying the man I did. But, there are times I think back and go, "Wow, I should've made more of my time when I was single." First off, everything was cheaper than. Vacations. Just pile 10 people into a couple cars, a single hotel room, and voila! Road tripping done right. And cheap. The first thing I noticed about vacationing once I was married was the only person I could split a hotel room with shares a bank account with me. Restaurants are another one. Getting married didn't mean by bill doubled, it practically tripled. I'm known to order off the kids menu, make meals out of appetizers, and I pretty much never order a drink. All the sudden instead of having a sweet boyfriend/fiancee who paid for me on these nights out, the entire tab was coming out of my checking account, and it included stuff like steak, and raspberry lemonade. Greg is not a cheap date. The freedom that comes from being single is not better than or worse than anything about marriage per se, it's just different, unique to that time in your life. And often I feel it is wasted, waiting for the next 'big step'.

I see these 'steps' all around me. Having kids, finishing school, having a 'real' job, buying a home. Each of these things (no matter the order they come in) really have life altering power, and amazing indescrible benefits, but with each one, something else is left behind. Maybe even for the better (the selflessness that comes with parenthood (or at least, hopefully, should) makes us shed an egocentric take on the world that, although not ideal for the long term, can be a lot of fun in the right time and place.)

I love being a homeowner, but there are some months when I see that mortgage payment leave our account, and I think, "If we were renting an apartment, a couple hundred of that could go straight into savings!" Now, I wouldn't want to go back to our two bedroom condo, but was I too anxious to move past it? And even if not, could I have made more with my time there?

I love my children. I think more than I can put into words. But there are parts of my life that were left behind, relegated to memories, that sometimes leave me with a little pang of, "The time I wasted . . ." It's going to be years and years and years before it's just me and my sweet husband again. Where our lives don't revolve around the needs of those less capable of taking care of themselves than we are. If I could go back in time, I would tell childless-Hilary, "Don't take this time for granted! Take another vacation, just you and Greg, before you have to start planning them around pregnancies and newborns! Go see a movie, go on more dates, more romantic outings! And sleep in! For goodness sakes, sleep in!!"

I try hard to live in the now, not 'wishing' my kids any older. Never thinking, "Oh, I can't wait 'til they're in school and I have some time to myself." (Well, almost never.) Greg and I were talking the other night, we're probably only going to have one, maybe two, other kids after Ellie. Possibly only one more time to have a newborn. That makes me sad to think of, only one more little person to be born, watch grow and learn. With Annie (and the screaming nightmare of colic), there were many times I just closed my eyes and willed it to be the next day, then the next, just to get through it. And then it was over, and nothing but a memory in a blink of an eye. I didn't make that mistake with Ellie. Despite the screaming, the not sleeping, the spitting up, I just let her be her, not wanting the time to go by any quicker than it already was. And my new baby is well on her way to be a year old, then a toddler, and I want to close my eyes and just will time to stand still, before this whole phase is over. Of course, as with all things, than she will be moved onto the next step of her life, which is amazing and wonderful and better day by day. You just can't ever go back, so might as well enjoy the 'now' as much as possible.