Isaac's been a fairly decent little sleeper. Until a few nights ago.
He'd nap well all day, then at night he was going 3 and sometimes even 4 hours between feedings for the first half the night (then like every 2 hours from there). I was getting the rest I needed and feeling pretty good.
Then the kid turned 3 weeks old and decided to screw the whole sleeping thing.
His morning nap today: 15 freaking minutes. After fighting him for hours to go down for a nap, the kid slept 15 stupid minutes. It took another 30 minutes of fighting him to get him back to sleep for another half hour.
Last night he woke up nearly hourly, and stayed awake for up to an hour at a time in between.
The night before wasn't much better.
Which means that my amazing postpartum mood is now fried. I was amazed that for that first weeks I hadn't even been so much as a little bit teary eyed. In the past I've never suffered from postpartum depression, thankfully, but I've had a bit of the occasional baby blues. I felt overwhelmed and a bit lonely when I was suddenly home all day with a colicky infant when Annie was born. And then I'd look at a sleeping two year old Annie after Ellie's birth and think how much throwing a new younger sibling into her world was gonna shake things up and I'd end up weeping to Greg about how she has no idea that her whole world had changed and it wasn't just her and Mommy anymore, and Greg would start to look concerned and finally ask, "Um, is this, like, something I should be concerned about . . . like a postpartum thing?" I'd assure him I was just a bit emotional, but fine.
Since Isaac's birth, I've been surprised that although the physical recovery seemed to kick my butt much more this time, but I've never felt so good emotionally and mentally after having a baby.
Until I started to fear for my sleep. Then I start to cry. The other night, at 4AM, I was whimpering to Greg about how Isaac was sleeping crappy and I was tired and I just wanted to fall back asleep and Isaac kept fussing and wasn't sleeping and what have I done wrong that he's not sleeping and what if I somehow screwed up some motherhood thing and I somehow ruined my good sleeping baby from a few days ago and he's now been replaced with this horrible sleeper that won't nap or go back to sleep . . . I was probably rambling a bit.
See, I have near PTSD when it comes to sleep. Annie was a HORRID sleeper, and it was awful and I was so tired and almost non-functioning that it was scary. I never want to be that tired again. I also harbor intense guilt and worry that I somehow caused it. Sure, my husband points out sweetly to me that there was nothing either of us could do to make that child sleep. Trust me, we tried it all. We tried everything in the world to get her to sleep, and she just isn't much of a sleeper. At two years old on a drive back from California after a solid week of a long, exhausting vacation, she took one 30 minute nap all day. (Ellie didn't do much better -- she wasn't even a year old and even with spending ALL day in a car, she took one 55 minute nap that day. My kids just aren't big sleepers. I don't know why they don't sleep like other kids, especially somewhere like trapped in a car all day, but they just don't.) Other people, possibly not as reassuring as my husband, have how they turned out to be such bad sleepers. Did I just not put them down when they were tired? Did I not 'teach them self-soothing skills'? I mean, they're babies, they should just sleep . . . so what did I do as their mother to get in the way of that? As toddlers and preschoolers, why are they fighting bedtime this much? You should just be able to put them down and they'll eventually fall asleep? You just need a sleep routine. That's how kids work, so why are mine different? I stress about this more than you know. I should mention, I've come down clearly on the side of 'I've done NOTHING wrong' and 'I did everything I knew to do' and 'I've read every single freaking book and some kids just don't like to sleep.' But, motherhood (as you may know) is a guilt trap, and if there's something that sets our kids apart, that has people asking us "Why are they like that?", it's hard not to obsess about all your parenting decisions and wonder where it all went wrong. Funny thing is, I know it's just who they are. I was a craptacular sleeper as a baby. According to my Mom, I gave up all naps at 6 weeks old. SIX WEEKS. No matter what they tried. By a year, they wouldn't even let me nap on the rare occasion I wanted to -- 'cause if they did, I was up 'til midnight that night, and wouldn't let my parents get to sleep. I was a horrible sleeper. Greg, on the other hand, took something like two 2-hour naps 'til Kindergarten. Some kids just need, and want, more sleep than others. Greg's genetics just have not kicked in with our girls yet, and they're unfortunately a lot more like me than him when it comes to sleep. Stupid karma.
Anyway, so to suddenly be kept up much longer than usual the last few nights with a fussy Isaac has me a bit terrified. Then today, him not settling down and taking a nap for nearly four hours of fussiness this morning only amplified that terror.
And my mind immediately goes to, "What am I doing wrong?" What if he becomes a horrible sleeper too . . . three out of three, that has to be my fault, right?
Is there a way to turn off the stupid, nagging, self doubt that comes with motherhood? And turn up that voice that reminds me that I have amazing mothering instincts, and I just need to go with them and stop worrying that I'm screwing him up every time something I try doesn't work . . .
7 comments:
Oh my .. I'm sorry. I feel your pain but keep telling yourself that it's not you. Because that's the truth. I went through the same thing with Jackson when it came to his eating. I beat myself up about it, gave up on trying to breastfeed just so that I could see that he was eating! To this day the kid is a beanstalk. It's just who he is. He continues to be a terrible eater. I've tried everything I can think of and now I just try not to stress about it. The kid is happy .. thin, but not grossly boney. So as you have told me .. not too long ago .. try and relax and trust your instincts. When people offer to help (as I'm SURE that they do) take them up on it. I treasure my sleep alot as well and when I don't get enough I struggle to function. Have you tried a swing or a vibrating chair to sooth him? Jackson adored his swing and it worked miricles. Or how about a baby "sling". Something you can just carry him around in but still be able to function. I had a Peanut Sling with Wyland and LOVED LOVED LOVED it!! Target.com .. one of my best purchases for sure. Sorry .. long winded response.
Sorry you are not sleeping enough... That always makes me emotional.... It is almost guaranteed we will see tears on the days I don't get enough sleep. Makes me shudder at the thought of going back to work. The thought of going back to work also makes me feel guilty. I am right there with you emotionally.
I totally understand Logan was and still is the same way he does not sleep at night and for the last few weeks I am lucky to get him to sleep more then 20 min at a time. So he is just grumpy all day because he is tired but he will not sleep. Dont feel bad all of us moms that are in the same situation have all had the same thought of what am I doing wrong. But I just keep telling myself all babies are diffrent and for some reason he doesnt think that he needs sleep lol.
Hang in there it will get better with time. I am waiting right along with ya... And just think when you are up at 4 in the morning for hours at a time there are alot more of us out there doing the same thing :) you could text me im sure that I will be up lol
Its the worst when you are so tired and just want to scream and then you look at them and they smile at you and it makes it ok again....
We tried EVERYTHING with Annie :-) We walked every night with her in a carrier from 6:30PM-9PM, then she would be tightly swaddled, nursed to sleep, slept in a vibrating chair while a blow dryer ran (vacuums never seemed to work for her, but turn on a blow dryer and she'd FINALLY sleep!) :-) I had a lot of people tell me either out right or in round about ways, that she was a crappy sleeper 'cause we 'made' her 'dependent' on all of these things. Of course, she wouldn't sleep without them, but it was one of those things that stressed me out -- like what if she'll NEVER learn to sleep without a blow dryer on! (She obviously doesn't sleep with a blow dryer now, so I guess I didn't need to worry.) Ellie slept in a swing until she was 5 months old. It was the ONLY way she'd sleep more than an hour at a time at night. Again, I worried I'd screwed up by sleeping her in the swing (and swaddled), but we were just trying to stay sane by getting her sleep any way we could.
Which brings me to Isaac :-) He's been so good that I didn't swaddle him and we'd just put him down in the bassinet and he'd sleep for hours, and I was so happy we weren't jumping through all these sleeping hoops. And now he's not sleeping well, and I think part of me is hung up on not wanting him to 'fall into those traps'. So I'm almost afraid of using anything 'extra' to get him to sleep, for fear that I'm ruining another kid. :-) (Although, he does nurse to sleep, and we've started swaddling at night again.) And, I totally had him in the swing for FORTY-FIVE minutes this morning and he wouldn't go to sleep!
Oooh, I wish I had some advice (because that would mean I'd have a successful sleeper!) I totally understand the tears from sleep deprivation. Our Isaac for the first 2-3 months sounds like your Isaac (well, how he has been the last few nights.) I would think, it wouldn't be that bad if I could just nurse him and he'd fall back asleep, but it would be staying up for an hour, sleep for an hour, repeat! Even now, he still wakes up between 4 and 5 AM and comes to our bed (my fault? guilt? yeah...all that comes to mind.) Anyway, I can empathize and I certainly don't think it's bad parenting at all. Maybe something to do with a kid's personality? I don't know. If you find the answer though, let me know!
I'm so sorry Isaac isn't sleeping well! Ryker was a horrible sleeper the first two months. The first two weeks he's be up most of the night and then nap some during the day, but then after that it seemed he was up all night and all day. Eventually he fell into a sleep pattern, but it took a while. Acutally, come to think of it the only thing that started him sleeping was the "Sleepy Wrap" I got him when he was 2 months old. I know it may not work for every kid, but for him it was my miracle. It turned him from a colicy, not good sleeper, into a mellow okay sleeper. At 6 months old he turned into a good sleeper.
Anyway, I think that if you weren't beating yourself up over you baby's sleeping skills, it would be something else. I'm new to this whole mothering thing, but so far I've learned that once one problem is solved, there's something else I make myself feel guilty for. Sometimes I think that's just the nature of mothers. We want to do everything perfect and we want our kids to be perfect, and when something non-perfect happens, we guild ourselves crazy!
Anyway, if you want to try my sleep wrap let me know. I'd be happy to bring it over.
Sorry, one more thing. If you want to read my account of what happen when I got the sleepy wrap for Ryker, you can read it on my blog at http://daltondetour.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html
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