Motherhood

My sister-in-law Liz, the amazing blogger she is, has started yet another probing discussion. This one is about motherhood, and it got me thinking. And since my blog hasn't really been much more than pictures and videos lately, I thought I should probably flex my writing muscles and actually write something I feel strongly about.

I feel that, personally, I was meant to be a mother (and a wife for that matter). There's other things, other purposes I'm here for on this earth, but none quite compare to being a Mom. It's not all of what or who I am, but it's by far the most important part to me right now. It's not always easy, but I really do think that God gives us the particular challenges, kids, or challenging kids, that we can handle, possibly even handle better than anyone else could have.

Some of you know my sister Lacy. I'd say I'm glad I wasn't the one responsible for raising her, but since I often mistakenly call Annie by Lacy's name because of their many similarities, I figure I shouldn't say anything that karma will use against me later. Lacy (who I love), due to her freakish intelligence and therefore sometimes obstinate bratty behavior as a kid, couldn't have been easy to raise. I know there were times she was my parents greatest challenge. You try raising a two year old who'd often end up a mile or more away on her bike, just going out to meet new people. Or a child who would often correct her first grade teacher's spelling mistakes. Or who spent most of kindergarten in the Principle's office because she was just so bored with school. Or who had one teacher who told my Mom that her youngest daughter had, "diarrhea of the mouth." Or the elementary school teacher who told her that Lacy wouldn't survive middle school, 'cause surely someone would finally have enough and kill her. :-) I don't think my Mom much enjoyed parent-teacher conferences when Lacy was in school. But my parents were apparently born to raise this child. Few people could've handled the stress, I'm sure. And even fewer could have handled it in a way that let her grow into her personality without squashing it and killing her spirit. I really feel few parents would've been the parents she needed, even when for them it was one of their biggest challenges. It was their parenting that allowed her to grow up into who she is. For better or worse. :-) Just kidding, Lace.

For me, I look at the first nightmarish 6 months of Annie's life and sometimes wonder how we even survived the colic that was my first experience with motherhood. It was so tough. I cried more than I ever had. I felt inadequate, useless, unloved (weren't babies supposed to want their Moms for more than being breastfed, wasn't I supposed to take my crying baby from someone's arms and she'd instantly settle down just because I was the Mom, wasn't she supposed to nuzzle up and fall asleep on my chest, and not have to scream for hours merely to fall asleep for 20 minutes? What had I done wrong? Why couldn't I get this right? Wasn't I supposed to 'teach' her how to settle herself down, how to sleep? How had I gone so wrong? How did I mess this up so bad that my child never stopped screaming and I constantly had people asking me why I didn't do something about it? Did they think I liked to listen to her cry? Why did it feel like I had people from all sides questioning my ability to be this child's mother? Hardest was when I questioned it.) But we survived. Not always gracefully, but the fact we all made it alive and unharmed to her first birthday is the greatest assurance to me that I was not only meant to be a Mom, but her Mom.

I think motherhood is stressful, but I guess I believe women are made to be able to do it. I think we trip ourselves up a lot more than if we just let go and trusted that God made us to be mothers. I have a friend who is smart, compassionate and capable, and she CONSTANTLY questions her ability to mother. It's sad, because she's such a good Mom, but she gets so hung up on the stuff that doesn't go right that she gets demoralized and thinks she's a failure. And the more she sinks into that, the more stressful all things 'motherhood' become for her. I think we make it tougher than it is. I don't know how not to do that, I just think we do. I think we are created to be mothers though, and all of us have that potential within us, merely by virtue of being a woman. At least, I think that's what I believe. I'm still thinking about this one . . .

"The true strength of any nation, society or family lies in those qualities of character that have been acquired for the most part by children taught in the quiet, simple everyday manner of mothers."

–Gordon B. Hinckley