Sleepless

I was pretty sure my next blog post would be the last of the Halloween pictures . . . those from the Ward Trunk or Treat and actual Trick or Treating around the neighborhood. But, when Ellie woke up around 2AM with a fever raging above 102 degrees, Halloween seemed like ancient history.

Oh, how I hate when my kids are sick. It's utterly heartbreaking to hold a fiery hot little body in the dark. You wish you could just will away their pain or discomfort. To feel Ellie last night was actually a little scary, as I kept stroking her back, in complete awe at just how hot she felt. I didn't want her out of my sight. But, I also know from experience that Ellie doesn't sleep if she's in bed with me, and I don't sleep at all if she's anywhere in the same room. But, having her in another room where I couldn't watch her breathe was also mildly terrifying to me, but I knew she (and I) needed rest. The only thing that made it a little bit easier was that she seemed to be fairly energized for such a feverish little kid. She crawled up into Greg's arms at one point, turned to the TV and asked him to turn it on. When he told her that it was 2AM, so we weren't going to turn on the TV, she just sighed, disappointed, and pretty much told him (through nonverbal communication skills that are unparalleled) that she just wanted to go back to her own bed then. And she went right back to sleep. Same thing can't be said for me. I was up for at least another hour. Then, right as I was finally drifting off, I heard Annie crying and starting to walk into my room. I got up and intercepted her and laid her back down in her bed, and agreed to lay in her room on the floor for a few minutes until she'd fallen back asleep. After trying to comfortably rest on the floor of my three year olds room for 5-10 minutes, I snuck back in my room and preceded to toss and turn for almost another 1/2 hour before finally drifting off. I also slept lightly, 'cause both girls had started coughing, and I woke to every little sound, but fortunately was able to fall back to sleep quicker, and they both slept until about 7ish.

Annie woke up this morning, feverless (she rarely runs fevers -- it's why doctors never believe me at first when I tell them she has ear infections), but listless and miserable looking. Ellie, amusingly, is actually a little bundle of feverish (literally) energy. Annie was lying back against the pillow, just looking morose. Ellie was jumping on the bed between coughing fits. Annie just wants to chill in her comfy sweats in bed for the rest of the morning and have books read to her, Ellie wants to play ball with Dad. I guess the fact that one of them isn't running a raging fever and the other isn't listless means I don't have to be overly worried about either of them, yet.

Last night I insisted on being in bed and asleep shortly after 10PM. Which was awesome, as I spent most of the hours of 2-5AM awake. So, now I'm not operating on a complete lack of sleep, just on the tiredness that comes with really broken up sleep. I have this intense fear of being overly tired. After Annie was born, I operated at nearly a comatose level for months as I never slept more than a couple hours in a row without long stretches of awake time. Now, I guard my sleep fiercely. First, I know that if I get out of bed at all or even sit up in bed, I'm up for quite awhile before I can fall back asleep. Greg, on the otherhand, can wake up, change the baby, put the three year old back in bed and assure her there's no monsters in her room, go downstairs and get himself a glass of milk, and still wake up in the morning and ask, "Did both kids sleep through the night?" No dear, you just have the amazing ability to sleep-parent, and I'm insanely jealous of it.

With Annie, I took too much of the nighttime burden on myself. I thought I needed to, because I was nursing. Not wanting to wake Greg ('cause he was the one going to work in the morning), I rarely woke him up to help. With Ellie, I learned my lesson. Greg can get up, change a diaper and fall back asleep instantly, so when Ellie was first born I would hear her cry and nudge Greg and ask him to bring me the baby. I'd nurse her while lying in bed (no more of that getting up and going and sitting in a chair in another room crap, that wasn't helping my sleeping!), all the while Greg would change her diaper or get anyting else done, then promptly fall back asleep. About 15 minutes later, the baby and I would both be nearly asleep again, and I'd nudge Greg and ask him to go put the baby back in bed. A minute later, he'd curl up in bed again and we'd both be out again in moments. It was a really good system. Now, Ellie doesn't need to wake up and nurse in the middle of the night anymore, and rarely wakes up between 7:30PM-7:00AM, so most of my nighttime wakings have been phased out. Annie on the otherhand, has started waking up fairly often at night with nightmares or weird dreams. (The other night she woke up yelling about the "Bad cats!" over and over again.) Greg almost always handles this. If Annie comes into our room, I will just pick her up and toss her into bed in between us, where only she will sleep well for the rest of the night (Greg complains that she pushes him out of bed and that her curly hair attacks his face). So, Greg will patiently walk her back into her room, get her situated and calmed down, and often stay in there for awhile. I do as little as possible during this time, 'cause every bit of energy or focus I expend on her being awake is just an extra 5 minutes of me trying to fall back asleep.

So, most of the nighttime parenting seems to fall on Greg's very capable-of-falling-back-asleep-easily shoulders. I sometimes feel a little guilty about that, but then I sleep and get over it. It's worked well for us, so far. (At least, Greg hasn't complained!) He tends to handle non-feeding nighttime wakings and I handle the feeding ones. Right now, with both kids in the toddler/preschool range, that makes things pretty easy on me. (Although, I do tend to handle 'sick' night time wakings, but fortunately those are the exception.)

Of course, less than 8 months from now, my nighttime work load is going to ramp up again, with nighttime wakings every 2-3 hours. And that thought makes me want to go take a nap right now.