Turned Upside Down

My last midwife's appointment didn't go quite as expected.  She measured, felt around a little, and looked a little worried.  She started looking for a heartbeat, and it was taking a lot longer than normal, and she was looking more concerned.  Finally, I heard that reassuring 'whoosh, whoosh, whoosh' and I smiled at her, but she wasn't smiling back.  "These heart tones are high . . . " she said, "Not fast, but higher up on your body than they should be he's engaged.  Has you felt any big, dramatic movements recently?"  He's been active, but nothing that felt really dramatic, I thought.  Then I remembered a few days ago where I'd made Greg feel my stomach for like 20 straight minutes because there was so much more movement than normal.  But nothing that felt like he'd flipped.  She did an internal check, I'm less dilated than I was two weeks ago, and the baby was so high she couldn't positively identify the presenting body part since he was floating up so high.  This baby has been head down and further down than any of my other kids for longer than any of my other kids have been.  To hear he was just suddenly up 'floating' was really odd.  Especially since I'd been feeling so much new pressure and pelvic pain over the last couple days.  She had the receptionist call the OBs office to get me in for an ultrasound, as soon as possible.  Worst fears confirmed, and there was my little boy's butt, straight down.  Frank breech.  I couldn't believe it.  How does this full term baby who's been head down for months, suddenly flip.  And why?  Why now?  My due date is less than a week away, and I'm rapidly running out of time for him to flip back around.  And I'm frustrated, because I feel like all my options have been stripped away.  Breech births have become pretty much an automatic c-section in the obstetrics world.  Despite the fact I have lightening fast births, my babies pop out in seconds with almost no effort, and that we have a family history of successful breech births (my Mom was born breech in one push), I won't even be given the chance to try in a hospital.  I'll be numbed, strapped to a table, and be given a c-section.  I know a c-section isn't the worst thing, by any stretch of the imagination.  But all I can think of is having to stay in the hospital longer to recover, while Isaac is home even longer without me.  Then getting home after 'abandoning' him for longer than I've ever left him before, and not even being able to pick up my 17 month old son.  How do I explain that to him?  Stairs, which are plentiful in our house, will be so much more difficult, and I will have a baby and a toddler who expect to be carried up and down them every time someone needs to eat or the door bell rings, or I need anything on another floor of my house.  I know it'll all be temporary.  A few hard weeks are a blink in the eye of this life, and in the long run it won't matter that the first few weeks of Owen's life were more complicated than the other kids.  But man, those few weeks are scaring the crap out of me. 

I feel like my whole world just got turned upside down on me, not just the baby.  What could I have done differently?  Is it the position I sleep in?  I'm going to a chiropractor today . . . what if it doesn't work?  What if it doesn't work in time?  What positions do I try, of all the millions of suggestions to be found on google, which ridiculous looking positions do I actually put myself in to try and make things conducive to turning?  (Um, I will not be standing on my head.  I'm sure it's beneficial with gravity and all, but I told Greg I couldn't do that under normal circumstances, I most definitely can't do it at 39+ weeks pregnant.)  What if he flips back around, only to turn around breech the next day?  How do I fix this?  How do I prevent it from happening again if I can somehow fix it?  How much time do I have left?  How do I know if he flipped?  I couldn't tell he had the first time, how do I know if he turns head down?  How do I get some sleep when this is all I can think about?

Please Baby, please turn again.  Mom needs you to turn again. 

It's a . . .

BOY!

OK, so most people might have already heard via facebook . . . but we had our ultrasound last night and got to see our healthy baby boy.  I think I was shocked.  Happily, happily shocked.  I really would've been happy with either a boy or a girl, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly hoping for another baby boy.  It'll just make life easier -- we have the two kids bedrooms upstairs, so having two girls and two boys simplifies the longer term sleeping arrangements.  And with this little surprise bundle of joy coming less than 18 months since Isaac joined the family, having them be two little buddies to entertain each other just makes me smile.  I also secretly was pretty convinced that because I had any kind of preference (again, would've been totally happy with a girl though!) that the punishment of said preference would be not getting what I wanted.  :-)  Thus my shock at the ultrasound tech's announcement of gender. I should've known it'd be a boy though -- and how should've I known, you ask?  'Cause of the name.  See, back in the days of my first pregnancy, I was convinced I was having a boy.  I really, really liked the name Annie for a girl (it was my nickname as a kid from my Dad, based on my middle name Ann), but try as we might, we could not come up with a boy name we both fell in love with.  Slowly, the baby in my belly secretly became Annie to me, which freaked me out, 'cause I was still so convinced it would be a boy.  But, lo and behold, we found out we were having a girl, and she's been Annie ever since.  Same story basically with Ellie.  Early on in our pregnancy, we were in a store, when a Mom called out, "Ellie!  Ellie Belly, come here!"  Greg melted, turned to me and said, "I want an Ellie Belly!"  (Although we were still debating Ellie or Lilly for awhile -- so that one wasn't quite as firm as Annie was, we never had a boys name picked out that we liked.)  Along came Isaac, and this time girls' names were elusive, and the boy name just stuck and we ended up with a boy.  This time around we joked about continuing our vowel name streak (A-E-I-and now O) with either the name Olivia or Owen.  I like the name Olivia, but it never really resonated with me this time around (although oddly, it was a name we'd discussed quite a bit for a past baby).  But Owen.  That name just stuck in my head.  I had a hard time not thinking of the baby as 'Owen.'  So, just from past experience, I should've known -- it'd be the name we liked.  (At least, I think Greg likes it -- he's been very mute about baby names this time, and he's never objected, and now the girls are calling the baby 'Baby Owen', so he may be stuck with it, like it or not at this point!)  :-)

Oh, and for those who hadn't read about it on facebook -- we took Annie to the ultrasound appointment with us, despite it being REALLY late.  Then, we let Ellie stay up late with Grandma who was baby sitting at home.  Annie was excited about seeing her baby brother first, and got progressively more and more slap happy while we were there (stopping the ultrasound a few times 'cause the tech and I couldn't stop laughing).  (She was totally being egged on by her Dad too, who was telling her funny stories, just to make her more goofy, I'm convinced.)  I let Annie be the one to call Grandma Karine and Ellie to tell them the big news.  Grandma was very excited.  Ellie on the other hand, started crying.  Then sobbing.  For like the next 10 minutes, and when we got home she was still inconsolable.  My Mom had been trying to explain all the benefits to the new little brother in our family, and how she'll have a new little girl cousin born just a few months before, but this just made her sob harder and wail, "But I want a girl baby of my own!"  My Mom pointed out that she has a sister already, which made her miss Annie who wasn't home yet, and she sobbed about wanting Annie there.  My Mom pointed out how much fun Isaac was and she cried that he was not fun at all.  It should be mentioned that it was two and a half hours after her bedtime, and she seems a bit better with the news today.  Not quite happy, but not hysterical.  :-)

He's Here!

Isaac was the talk of the hospital last night (well, and me, I was pretty famous too). Our perfect 8 lb. 1 oz. little boy joined us quite dramatically in the middle of the night. Once that kid decided he was done stalling for 5 or 6 days, things moved pretty quickly. So quickly in fact, that one second the nurse is explaing tomorrow's lunch menu to me, and the next she is catching Isaac on the bed. No time to get the doctor or midwife, no time to even 'set up' the bed or room. Just a couple nurses made it in time to witness his birth, and that's only 'cause we were in the room closest to the nurses' desk. The nursery staff came running in to find the baby already cuddled up on my chest and crying.
I'll post pictures soon, as well as a bit more of Isaac's story, but for now I'm just happy to share that he's here, he's gorgeous and we're both doing well!

Different Each Time . . .

I remember being pregnant with Annie, and wondering if I'd ever feel her move. I made it to the magical '20 week mark', where you're supposed to be feeling the baby move, and I was still unsure I'd ever felt her move when I knew it was her. One of the most surreal experiences was watching on ultrasound, as she literally walked herself around my uterus, in some tricky sommersault . . . and realizing the entire time I wasn't feeling it at all. As cool as it was to watch, it was a bit Alien-ish, as I watched evidence of a fully functioning, moving, kicking, squirming, flipping human being moving inside me and feeling almost none of it. It took a few more weeks before I was regularly feeling her move . . . and weeks more before her movements could be felt from the outside. (And she was one wiggly baby . . . every doctor or ultrasound tech commented on her nonstop antics, it just took awhile before I recognized and regularly felt her kicks and hiccups).
Even then, Greg was only able to occasionally feel her move. He would watch as my stomach contorted and spasmed, and we'd marvel at her ability to nearly stick her butt through my side . . . but the second Greg would put his hand on my stomach, she'd become perfectly still. It worked so well, that I would, at times, roll over during the night and gently shake him and ask, "Can you put you hand on my stomach and make her go back to sleep?" She had a supernatural ability to recognize Greg . . . he'd even try to silently sneak up on my belly, as to not tip her off, and yet, as soon as his large hands rested on my stomach she went perfectly still.
He was able to feel Ellie more often, but she wasn't a 'put on a show for anyone' kinda of baby either. Like most 2nd time Moms, I'd felt her move much, much earlier (14 weeks, maybe?) And Greg was able to feel her move earlier as well. But, I've hear stories of parents pushing on the belly, getting a push back in response and they'd make a little 'back and forth' game of it as entertainment. My girls were more, "Hey! That's my space! Don't push there!" then they'd retreat back by my spine, refusing to participate in such games. Probably pouting.
So Greg and I have been pleasantly surprised this pregnancy. Our baby boy made himself known around 13-14 weeks. And, shocking to us both, Greg actually happened to have his hand resting across my stomach when I was about 15 weeks pregnant, and we suddenly both exclaimed, "Wow! Did you feel that?!" (Keep in mind at that at that stage, the kid is only like 4-5 ounces). Last night, during my 20th week, Greg was able to feel the baby kick and move several times during just a minute or two period. This baby is as wiggly as his siblings, but seems more likely to let his Dad in on it. The girls just liked to make me look crazy, as I'd describe in detail their antics to Greg, only to have them calm down when he was around . . . this baby actually kicks it up a notch for his Dad. It's really cool. (Except for Greg not being able to put the baby to sleep with his mere touch like he could with Annie. That was so useful.)


And, just for fun, here's some random pictures . . .

This was Ellie this morning. She's pouting on the bed. Which isn't the point of the picture . . . people always ask me if she has any curl like Annie, and when she was laying down I noticed her hair had dried with a little curl in it today and thought I'd get a picture.

Here's Ellie napping the other day. She's like a budding scientist or something. :-)

Then this is what I've been doing with a lot of my time lately . . .
Here's a pile of baby boy hand me downs I've sorted and laundered.
I even moved everything out of Ellie's armoire and dresser into Annie's closet, and we're preparing to put them into the same room sometime in the next week or so. Pray for me. I'm convinced they'll never sleep again.

And, my first 'baby boy purchases'. I just wanted a few basics in newborn size. I know a lot of kids skip right to the 0-3 months sizes, or at least grow out of them in a matter of days, but both of my kids have been between 6-6.5 lbs, so we've actually spent several weeks, even a month or more, wearing newborn sizes. We're hoping our baby boy will be a bit bigger at birth, but figured a few onesies and basics that don't drown him the first week or two were worth the investment. (My friend who handed down her baby clothes to me had like an 8.5 lb. baby, so there was no newborn stuff in the pile.) :-)
My Mom was a bit disappointed in my shopping selections. "Where's the blue?"
I wasn't too worried -- knowing my Mom's taste, I don't need to buy a single thing in blue or with baseballs on it, and we'll still have a full wardrobe for him of dark blue sports-themed apparel. :-)

Boys vs. Girls

The whole week leading up to the ultrasound, I was being bombarded by the thoughts, "I can't have boys . . . I don't get boys . . . I'm a 'girls' kinda person, I grew up around all these sisters, and now my own girls . . ." I'd see boys in the store, neighbor boys, Annie's male friends, and watch them do things, well, just differently than my own girls and think, "That is not my world, I wouldn't know how to handle that . . ." (It was also just an unusual week where I saw a lot of 'naughty' little boys acting up, even in ways unusual for them. Little boys were starting to scare the crap out of me . . . what odd, destructive little creatures!) So, of course, we go in for the ultrasound and within 15 seconds are told, "Well, it's a boy!" And I was a little shocked. I hadn't realized just how convinced I was it was a girl until that second. I hadn't seen what the tech had seen, and she'd already moved on to doing head measurements and the like. I couldn't quite process how I was feeling, and part of me was thinking, "The tech must've not seen it right . . ." so I went on watching the ultrasound, just waiting for her to get a second look and tell me, "Oh wait, it's a girl." But within just a few seconds, we saw a little baby face on screen, and I smiled and thought, "Oh, he's gorgeous." We saw his tiny feet (kicking away like my bladder like it was a soccer ball) and I thought, "Oh, look at his little feet!" I melted at the sight of him. Even before we got to the 'gender shot' part of the ultrasound, the visual proof I'd been waiting for, I had a son. And I couldn't imagine anyone in his place.

So, I'm going to get to raise a boy! A son, who'll grow into a man. (Who'll get married and move away and replace me in his life . . . but that's getting ahead of myself!) :-) And my husband, who is the greatest example of a man that I've ever known (kind, strong, sweet, hardworking, smart, tender, compassionate, understanding, supportive, funny and wonderful) is exactly the kind of man who should be raising the next generation of men. It's gonna be different, but it's gonna be amazing! He is the addition to our family we've been planning on, preparing for, even if we hadn't realized it yet. And he's gonna fit in perfectly.

As I've been processing this whole 'change' in our life coming up, I've realized where part of my 'hang up' about having boys has come from. It wasn't really the whole 'they're wilder, or have more energy or are more destructive' thing like I thought it was. It's about expectations. And the expectations that we (mainly Greg) should or would want a boy more than 'another' girl. I've found myself defensive of my daughters, only wanting another daughter, in response to the comments I've gotten about how 'disappointing it would be' if we had another girl. Since our big 'it's a boy' announcement, I've received emails and comments and phone calls, some dripping with 'relief' for Greg, that he's finally getting his son. (Greg, even more so than me, was convinced it was another girl. That we'd only have girls. And he was fine with that. He loves his little girls, and could happily picture a house filled with pink purses, and baby dolls, and makeup, and be perfectly happy with that.) Upon receiving our latest news, one of my grandmothers cried and cried tears of happiness . . . not that we were pregnant, but that we would be having a son. It was 'about time.' And 'Oh, lucky Greg!' And 'Greg must be so thrilled! He'll finally have a son!' Ever since we found out we were first pregnant with a girl, with Annie, we received near-condolences. Like, "Oh, how's Greg taking the news?" "Is Greg OK with that?" Um, that's he's having a healthy, beautiful, daughter . . . he's fine with it, thanks. So, for this pregnancy, I think even wanting a boy made me feel mildly traitorous . . . almost to spite those who 'wished us better luck next time', I only wanted girls. Now, of course, I can't imagine having any family different than the one God blessed me with, but I have to tell you, this whole 'gender' thing leaves me feeling kinda defensive at times. I try not to but at times have found myself a bit resentful of those comments about 'finally having a boy' or stress the importance of passing on a family name, or place extra importance on a 'first born son or grandson'. And I know people don't mean anything by it. (And frankly, it's mainly old people.) I know for many of these people, it comes from a place of their own love and affection for their own sons, and they're just thrilled for us that we'll be able to experience raising a son too. And we're excited for that too. But it just kinda hurts, somewhere deep down, that maybe these people didn't see our girls as 'enough,' or that there would be something more special about them if they were 'sons'.

But, I'm so happy right now. Despite all my fears about it being a boy, now that we know that's the case, I can't imagine life being any different. I'm going to get to raise a son. And he, along with his sisters, will turn out amazing!

And, just edited to add: The comments that have affected me have NOT been the congratulatory, "We're so excited for you! I love having a little boy!" or "There's nothing like a little boy!" or "Just wait, there's something so special about being a Mom to a son!" These comments make me excited for a baby boy of my own. It's completely the "You must be relieved" or "He'll be the first grandson" (on my side, that ship sailed three years ago on Greg's side) or "Greg's waited so long" or "I bet you were praying for this every night" or "Greg must be so excited for a son" kinda comments. The, 'this is way better than the alternative, i.e. another girl,' kinda comments.
Oh, and pregnancy hormones play a part in this, obviously :-)

Unfair!

This was the first time I'd ever noticed this, but the racks of girls clothing (especially clearance racks) WAY outnumber the racks of boy clothing. And now that I have some little boy shopping to do, I'm finding this quite obnoxious! Where's my racks of winter clearance outfits for a baby boy!?

Ultrasound Results

There are mouths open in surprise and people are speechless.

We're having a BOY!

We hadn't really expected that. I was shocked and happy . . . it took a minute to sink in, but once it did I was all perma grin as I marveled at his adorable feet, and beating heart and hands tucked up under his chin. He's adorable. And looks perfecly healthy and strong, and is measuring just a few days ahead, so everything's on track. Annie thinks he looks weird and was unimpressed by the picture quality, but is shockingly cool with it being a boy (since all we've heard from her is that she's having a baby sister, not a brother.) Although, she informed the ultrasound tech that we cannot use the name Flipper anymore, as that was her girl name. She was extremely bored and disinterested the entire time . . . which surprised me, as this is the child who asks to watch baby development videos on Babycenter.com and watches ultrasound videos on Youtube for fun. Instead, she bounced around on her Dad's lap, while repeatedly singing the word "metamorphsis" over and over again, and showing little to no interest to the pictures on the screen. She did get momentarily excited when the tech did a split screen and Annie exclaimed, "There's two of them!" When we explained that there were two pictures of the same baby, she went back to her general state of disinterest and distraction.

And, of course -- we can't forget . . . Greg said it would be a girl. He was WRONG this time!! (Of course, even though I said 'boy', it was only 'cause Greg said a girl, and I totally was thinking girl, but had to pick the opposite. So I was surprised, and kinda wrong too . . . but since I put my 'official vote' down as boy, I've now officially been right one time! Even if my prenatal maternal instincts were as off as usual.)

Oh, and we're in proud possession of the "best 'little boy parts' picture" in the history of this ultrasound tech's career. It's impressive. It's a boy. There really is no doubt.