Not Much to Say

So, I haven't been in a 'blogging' kind of mood lately.

My kids have been really, really difficult lately, so I have completely missed anything fun, cute, sweet or funny that they've said or done. (Except, Ellie's been hugging me a lot. And I appreciate it.) I've just been hiding in the fetal position in the corner, ditching them with whomever shows even the slightest bit of interest in them. (At a barbecue last night surrounded by family, I pounced on anyone who looked our direction, "Ha! You made eye contact with Ellie, now you have to take her outside on a walk! Yeah, yeah, I know she's screaming bloody murder, I'm sure she'd love to go with you . . .") People'll always bring 'em back after a few minutes, but at least for a little bit nobody is screaming directly into my ear. I feel bad, because they're just getting to me. So much. And I think they're a little overly tired, adding some grumpiness to their typical attitudes. Ellie's gums are bulging with a bunch of teeth that'll hopefully cut through sooner or later. And Annie has just been so obstinent lately, and refuses to nap despite barely being able to keep her eyes open. But, I can't help but wonder how much of their 'difficult-ness' is more about me. It's me who's not holding it together. Who's not patient. Who could usually handle all of this just fine, but I just am not handling it right now. I'm stressed. I'm hormonal. I'm weepy. I'm tired. Oh, so tired. Does 'fatigue' sound more tired than just tired? If so, I'm fatigued. My body is sore and tired and crappy feeling. (And no, I'm not pregnant. Although, I'm not 100% sure my body knows that, 'cause it's acting awfully pregnant . . . oooh, maybe I'm having a hysterical pregnancy, just like the lady on "Glee"!)

There are moments I almost sink into a despair, thinking, "I cannot feel like this all the time, I can't function like a good Mom at this level," or "I can't do this day in and day out if this is how I feel." I know, I know, this is temporary. I don't feel like this all the time, and everything is temporary, and this will pass. My kids will find their sleeping patterns and get some more rest, it's just a time of adjustment (it's happened before and it'll happen again, and it always shakes out fine). Ellie'll finally get some teeth in and not be the world's most demanding, weepy baby in the world. Things with my new calling will smooth themselves out as I figure things out. People may even come to the activity I'm planning. Or not, but either way, there's only four more weeks of planning left, then it'll happen no matter how much I may or may not have screwed up the finances for it. Halloween will come, and that'll be fun. Greg's company will most likely not strike this week (at least, they better not.) I don't need to be stressing as much about money as I am, I just need to remind myself that things are fine, and I'm worrying more than I need to.

Annie just walked up to me and asked me why I'm crying. Then she crawled up into my lap, gave me a hug, then said she'd be right back after she got me a tissue. I hate that she saw me like this. I hate that I'm crying. I hate that I can't seem to keep it together right now. I just need this to be over. I just need to feel like myself again. I just want to feel better.

I just need a nap.

This too will pass.


Making me smile though, Annie is sitting across the room from me, drawing Ellie a 'map of the stars', explaining the big dipper to her little sister. Ellie seemed fairly disinterested, but Annie was so enthusiastic explaining the stars to Ellie, telling her all about how Daddy and Annie laid outside under the stars with blankets last night and looked at the night sky. Annie is just so happy about what she learned, and is just bursting to share it.

And Ellie said "Zebra" completely unprompted yesterday while pointing out a toy she wanted to her Dad, adding a very clear new word to her vocabulary.

Annie just offered to change Ellie's poopy diaper for me. That was sweet of her. :-)

And I really do know that things are going to be fine. I don't know why there's this 'funk' right now, but I do know that it's temporary. And that crying occassionally, or losing my cool, with my kids is not going to scar them for life. They still think I'm pretty much the most amazing person in the entire world. And that's pretty cool.