Can I Just Vent a Little?

(Alternate title: Potty Training is a Soul Sucking Exercise in Futility).


I'm probably not the most patient of people, but I try.  To varying degrees of success. 

But I'm feeling more and more at the end of my rope, having done many big, dramatic things and made huge changes in my kids' lives, and yet seeing only minor payoff for those efforts.

It was 10 months ago where I decided to cut ALL milk out of my children's diets.  Diagnoses of Celiac and EoE and EGIDs followed, and we cut more foods.  And more foods.  And my kids eat like health-conscious rock stars.  And yet.

Sigh.

This is where if you don't want to hear about feces, you should just stop now.  You've been warned.

I've mentioned the mountains of poop.  The piles and piles of feces that I can't seem to get out from under.  (So just had a flashback to the 'Poopsmith' from Homestar Runner, and it made me giggle.)  Three kids where dealing with their endless poop is a daily battle.  A year ago, Ellie was having poopy accidents, just little ones, but they were daily and it had me concerned.  I've turned our lives upside down, had them repeatedly put under, done countless test and spent enough money they my tears just welled up in my eyes just thinking about it.  And yet I threw away two pairs of underwear of hers yesterday, because there was so much poop in each of them that they weren't even worth cleaning.  And this happens daily.  Multiple times a day.  And her eczema is cracking her toes and heels again, making her cry.

Potty training, as mentioned before, feels like a soul-sucking exercise in futility.  To put it in perspective, I cleaned out probably 10 pair of Ellie's underwear in the last week (in addition to the three pair I just threw away).  We started potty training this kid 2 1/2 years ago.  TWO AND A HALF YEARS, and where has it gotten us?  Granted, she was dealing with undiagnosed food allergies and Celiac for much of that, but even once we got that under control, we haven't seen marked improvement.  Which brings me to Isaac.  Nearing 3 1/2, and no nearer potty training than when he was 2.  There's lots of sitting on potties.  LOTS.  There's even lots of success at it.  But, there's been no improvement in our lives, no less work for me, seemingly no fewer diapers for him.  (For instance, he pooped in the potty the other day.  Somehow got some of it on HIS FOOT, then came out of the bathroom to tell me all about his big 'success'.  Even when the kid poops in the potty, I end up carpet shampooing.  For the love. 

I was so proud of Isaac before he used the potty before preschool yesterday (something he's been doing more and more).  And was heartsick when I got a text from his preschool teacher that he'd already pooped in three diapers at school within the first hour and a half.  And he came home and we had more poopy diapers.  He's off of wheat, soy and dairy.  We could try peanuts and eggs again, but it didn't really help much before.  I just don't know what to do, and he's nearing 3 1/2 and no nearer to potty trained, and yet another part of me thinks, "What kind of insane person would even potty train him -- he pooped 4 times in less than 2 hours yesterday morning -- is that even FAIR to him to put him in underwear?!  He's three!  I don't want to be out at grocery shopping and have to worry about mad dashes to the nearest public restroom.  Does it make my life easier or harder to do this?!"  And his EoE is the most out of control, and the plans going forward are big and scary and hard and suck.  But, what choice do I have?  Part of me resents ever finding out about this stupid disease and the fact they all have it, but I know, and I can't just ignore it.  We've done the hardcore meds for awhile, but the allergist said it's time to go off of them and try something different (especially when he's getting a scary, dangerous bacterial skin infection repeatedly that we can't seem to completely get rid of
and the doctors are saying it probably has to do with his steroid use), but I'm resistant to the next big food elimination and want to put off the next food trial until after December (I want him scoped out of allergy season first, so we can have a non-pollen-y baseline to go off of), but I'm not sure if I'm being a bad, lazy parent in not getting right on with what the doctors' want me to do next.  (I now screen the G.I.'s office's calls because they're just keep calling and bugging me that my kids are all due for another scope, but I'm not quite ready, plus we just finished allergy testing (that cost $170 out of pocket and told us nothing besides the fact Isaac is apparently pretty darn allergic to adhesives), so we haven't even had time to do another food trial even if I had started the next one.

Then my little Owen.  Actually, out of everyone, he's the one who gives me the most of that 'maybe this has all been worth it' feeling.  He's gained weight, and though he had two blow out diapers yesterday on top of the non-blowout poopy ones, overall his digestive system does seem healthier.  His villi in his gut healed remarkably well (probably facilitating the weight gain), and we won't know for awhile about how his nutrition levels have improved, but I assume they have.  (His last blood work showed several low levels, that were mildly concerning, but with his villi healed, they think he'll bounce back quickly.)  So, at least I can look at him and think, "This is doing some good."  Other than that though, even though I know Ellie's EoE numbers improved dramatically, I look at what we've done with their lives and kinda question, "Is this working?  Is it worth it?  Do they feel better?  Is it worth taking a different treat then all the kids in their class, being different at every event, bringing their own cupcakes to birthday parties, for minimal, almost unnoticeable improvements? Is whatever little quality of life they've gained through this worth the quality of life it costs them?" But, what really is the other option -- I can't unknow what I know about their health, and I don't really want to, it just feels like it sometimes. 

There are days I end up just crying -- tired, overwhelmed, scared, and just wanting a break from the worry and stress and poop of it all.  I'm thankful for the improvements they have made, and I try and keep focused on it, but there is a whole future of 'who the heck knows what comes next' and no foreseeable end to the problems right at hand, and it's hard not to feel stuck.

Really stuck.

Pictures from September

The weather dipped, and the kids got dressed up for some cold weather scooter riding.  More or less.  Isaac wore nothing but a diaper, his 23 month old cousin's coat, and a moose hat.  Owen looked adorable in footie jammies and a hat, and both girls got warm hats, big coats, boots and dresses.

This moose was sad.

Owen rocking the moose hat . . .

Fall was off to a great start with a pumpkin painting Family Home Evening at Grandma Karine and Grandpa Robert's house . . . it was fun . . . and VERY messy . . . 

 This was my weird squash/gourd thing that I painted to look (something like) Frankenstein.  The bloody head wound was from when Owen dropped his paint brush on it.  I think it worked out for the better though . . .

 Owen will tolerate pumpkin painting, or croquet, or harvesting, or whatever other backyard activities we come up with, for approximately five minutes . . . then he just wants to be back in the sand box . . .

Facebook Posts from Forever Ago

I know just copying and pasting facebook statuses is fairly lame blogging -- but, it is where I regularly update stories about my kids, so it's better losing all those stories for good.

So here we go, two months worth of facebook:

October 2nd, 2013
Two Isaac conversations this morning --
I just got done pulling Ellie's short, short hair into a teeny tiny bun (per her request). Isaac looked over, smiled and exclaimed, "LOVE IT, Ellie! It looks just like a garbage can on your head!"

Then, we were talking about what he loved most about preschool, and he informed me it was definitely painting with dot paints. I commented how I'd been thinking about buying some of those and maybe I should, then he got all wistful and sighed, "Maybe Daddy would buy us some? Or Ms. Jenny could? Or maybe Grandpa KC could get us some? Or maybe Aunt Star?" I was all, "Um, Bug, Mom could buy them . . . " to which he sighed again and responded, "Yeah, I guess that could work."

September 30th, 2013
We've told Isaac to be quiet REPEATEDLY, but both and Greg are admittedly getting a kick out of his one man dialogue going on in there, "Do you know what this is? It's a solar system. And do you know what's in a solar system? PLANETS! And a then a sun. And if you go around far enough, you will find asteroids. This is a moon. It reflects the sun."

September 29th, 2013
While I was taking a four hour Sunday nap (I haven't been feeling great), Greg took the kids on a walk over to my parent's house. Where they ate their favorite dessert -- sorbet. Owen even managed to get his entire serving on his spoon :-)

 

September 28th, 2013

My one year old suddenly walked into the kitchen chewing gum. I know I didn't give him any. We are the only two home. I am pretty sure this came out of the kids' bathroom trash. I'm pretty sure I just threw up in my mouth a little . . .

September 24th, 2013

Took a break from facebook for a few days -- which was really for your benefit, my friends. We're potty training around here; and not only do you not want the play by play of it all, but it's taking all I have to not resort to repeated usage of profanity. (Seriously y'all, one accident wasn't discovered until he'd taken off the dirty underwear up in the play house then WENT DOWN THE FREAKING SLIDE, and another not until he'd slid down the stairs on his butt in poopy underwear.. DOWN THE STAIRS. EVERY SINGLE STAIR. I have DAYS worth of these stories, and I've been trying to avoid facebook so you all didn't need to be subjected to them. BUT SERIOUSLY, he slid down the stairs and down the slide, on the same day, after two different accidents.)

 (Also, between Ellie being back to having 3-5 poopy underwear a day, Isaac's attempted potty training, and Owen in diapers, I am SOOOOOOOO done with poop. So completely done. Like days away from a nervous breakdown kinda done. And now I just ranted about poop, and you can all see how much better off you were when I was off facebook. My apologies. But, seriously. The poop. THE POOP!!!! ARGH!)

September 16th, 2013:

Pretty sure kids don't get much more adorable than this . . .

September 12th, 2013

Isaac is really into "Safety Kids" right now. He was just telling Greg about us listening to the CD in the car, "Yeah, Dad, then Zan wanted his very own set of designer genes, so he could do drugs and stuff." He is REALLY not understanding the point of these CDs. I said, "Actually, bug, Zan and Gregor didn't want to take drugs, they know they're bad for you." "Nope, Mom, they LOVE drugs. Drugs are great! They want all the drugs!"

Not exactly a ringing endorsement, Brite Music. 

 September 11th, 2013

Annie just came into my room, and in a whimpering voice said, "I can't go to sleep! It's too hard!" Seeing my confused look she said added, ever closer to tears, "It's just too hard, I can't even lie down. It's too hard to even lie down!" Me still looking back at her, dumbfounded by her explanation; her with a quivering lip. "It's just, well, too hard to . . ." I arched an eyebrow. At that point she busted up laughing. I won that round. Back to bed kid.

So, stage one of patch testing is done for Isaac. We removed the patches and tape (we'll have a final 'reading' of his back tomorrow), but for now it appears that we've only learned one thing. He's really allergic to adhesive. Everywhere the tape was is bright red and sore and raised and puffy and angry looking -- everywhere the food was are nice little white patches where the food protected his skin from the adhesive. Sooooo, this doesn't mean he wasn't allergic to any of those 26 foods, just that he didn't patch test allergic to any of them. So, we don't know anymore than we did before. Which is OK, we knew going in it was a bit of a long shot, and we're not any further behind that where we started, it just would've been nice to have a couple new answers from the tests.
(And poor Isaac has been SO angry and grumpy ever since -- taking the tape off his raw, sometimes even open, skin was horrible, and he screamed and fought the whole time. I had to hold him while two nurses and the doctors worked on getting it off as gently as possible, but in the end I just agreed to have them rip the last two blocks of adhesive off as quickly as possible, since it was going so horribly and taking so long the other way. Poor thing.)

Afterwards, it was kinda sad, and kinda hilarious, but he was SO angry at me and Talina ('cause obviously I brought reinforcements to help me out ), that he stood there, shirtless in the parking lot, screaming that he was not going home, he was never going home, and he wouldn't walk to the van and he was staying there. Then at one point I asked him if he wanted to go home in mine or Talina's car, and he yelled, "No, I'm not going home! I'm not going with anyone! Except maybe you, or Talina!" Talina and I couldn't help but start to laugh.

September 10th, 2013

Isaac, when the 'Safety Kids' CD started up in the car, "Hey, this is the drug CD! I love the drug CD! It's the one where they do drugs!"
Um, I think someone has missed the entire point . . .  

September 9th, 2013

The kids have SO much fun in Grandma's garden . . . here's the girls are eating pears and picking cherry tomatoes . . 

Then pictures of Isaac before and after his appointment with the allergist. (Isaac, ahem, "Super Isaac' as he's told me to call him, has picked out his outfit for testing today. Also, he'll be wearing his sister's purple sandals, because all of his shoes are in his room where the baby is sleeping . . .)

 

September 9th, 2013

Owen and cousin Bailey with their Great Grandparents

You know, the gigantic cardboard box in the middle of my front room looks kinda trashy . . . . but the kids love it SO much we may never get rid of it Who am I to throw away their fort/boat/pirate ship/clubhouse/race car/train/house/dog house/classroom/swimming pool/and any number of other things it's been for them over the last four days . . .

September 8th, 2013  - Playing around in Photo Booth

September 7th, 2013

Love the days when I don't even have to worry about lunch, 'cause my kids just stuffed themselves in Grandma Karine's garden -- pears, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes with basil (of lemon, lime and sweet varieties), cantaloupe AND I came home with 20 pounds of onions and a bunch of peppers and potatoes. I love harvesting . . .

September 6th, 2013

Had such a great day at the zoo -- over five hours and only a couple meltdowns by the kids. I consider that a success! Thanks for coming with us Emily and Hailey. The kids have talked about it all day, and Isaac tonight in his prayers said, "And blessings that Hailey gets to come places with us." (We're still working on 'grateful' and 'thankful' -- he just likes pronouncing 'blessings' on everything :-) )

August 29th, 2013

I'm such a Mom -- I totally just had the thought, "Wow, today's been a good day, nobody's thrown up since 9AM!" My standards are so very, very low  

August 28th, 2013

It seems like it's inevitable that on the week where I have no idea how we're gonna balance our budget with all the medical bills that have come in the last couple days, that I would totally end up pulling the stupid Kindle Fire out of the washing machine with the wet clothes. Grumble, grumble.

August 27th, 2013

Isaac is wearing the Pull Ups that have a shape on the front that disappears when wet. This potty training thing is going SO GREAT (insert 'sarcasm font' here), as he just walked up to me and said, "Hey Mom, I peed in my pants so that stupid star would go away . . . "

 Owen's appt. went pretty good today! He's put on FOUR pounds in just four months, and his iron is back in the normal range. His blood work still shows some really low levels in some areas, but we think he's trending upwards. With wheat and dairy out of his diet he seems to be absorbing better and growing more, so they expect the nutritional deficiencies to right themselves as he grows. We'll need to scope again in six months, and we're still not exactly sure what foods are keeping his levels higher than normal, but overall he seems to really be trending upwards. 

 August 25th, 2013
Realizing sadly that summer really is over. (Even with Annie having been in school for three weeks, then off track again now for vacation). My Mom and sister are back at work now for school I have four different appointments with new specialists for the kids in the next two days, and two fewer babysitters . . . darn, I've been spoiled this summer! 

One of my favorite parts of vacation was watching my 22 month old niece run down the beach after the seagulls calling out, "Wait, birds! Please! Wait!"

August 24th, 2013 (Driving home from California Vacation)

Have been listening to 'La Bamba' on repeat for the last forty miles . . . it is the only thing that is keeping the two one-year olds happy (happy-ish, that is.) It is a special kind of torture . . . :-)

SUCCESS! Only took several hours and the sanity of all the adults in the vehicle . . .

Isaac is sobbing uncontrollably because he misses our hotel room and doesn't want to sleep in our house. We agreed to turn on the room air conditioner on high so it would sound more like the hotel room . . . that seems to have appeased him for now. (He's also had melt downs because we wouldn't let him have a sleep over at Grandma's house, I picked brown pajama pants instead of blue ones, I wouldn't let him wear his shoes to bed, and I wouldn't let him go over and visit the neighbor girls, Sarajayne and Kate. I could be mistaken, but I think he's overly tired . . . )

August 14th, 2013

The girls are in taking a bath, and I just heard Ellie yell, "CANNONBALL!" I feel like I should possibly stop making breakfast for a minute and go and check on them . . .

August 10th, 2013
Cooked squash, steamed carrots and apples, cut up pears, added some blueberries and banana, then and blended six full blenders filled with all these fruits and veggies -- then I got it all packed into 55 pouches. I feel marginally more prepared for snack times, school lunches and vacation:-)

August 9th, 2013

Roasting marshmallows

Don't laugh, but it took me 7+ years to work up the courage to even attempt a french braid . . . and I had to have Ellie help us by holding one of the pieces of hair :-  It doesn't look bad from the back (but the front has some CRAZY bumps -- but she loves it, so it works.) So here it is for the memory books -- Annie's first Mom-braided french braid :-)  (Grandma's done it a few times -- usually in the shape of a crown, wrapping around here head -- so you can see why I feel so inadequate as a french braider) :-)

 August 8th, 2013

I played Candy Land FOUR TIMES. I deserve super Mom points. But, I feel the need to confess that the fourth time I totally rigged the cards so Isaac and I both drew the furthest candy space cards in the first couple turns and the game was over in three minutes. :-)

Sick toddlers are pretty much the worst company ever. I've never had someone simultaneously wipe so much snot on my shirt, while crying nonstop, refusing all offered food, but begging for a snack, all while being ridiculously overly tired after cutting his nap short . . . Greg cannot get home soon enough tonight . . .

August 4th, 2013

Greg insisted the hall light was enough of a nightlight for Isaac. Isaac refuted, "But the light can't travel all the way from the hall, through the door and into my eyeballs."

We've gone quite awhile without an Instacare trip on a Sunday afternoon. Who knew it would be Greg that broke the streak?  Apparently Greg's immune system took a summer vacation -- our least sick member of the family is currently down with pneumonia, a sinus infection AND a viral flu. Poor Greg.

My three year old is odd -- I don't think he could correctly identify even three Pixar characters, and yet can name every student on 'The Magic School Bus', and I think he has a preschooler-crush on Ms. Frizzle.

August 3rd, 2013
Me, catching Isaac in the act, "Bug! You know you're not supposed to pour shampoo into the tub!" To which he responds, "Mom, listen, I'm telling you the truth here -- if I make bubbles, then we have bubbles. If I don't make bubbles, then there are none. Do you see what I'm saying?"
I find myself at a loss of words with this kid more than with all my other kids combined . . . :-)

And this is what happens when Greg is in charge of dressing the baby. So this is where Ellie gets her fashion sense from . . .

August 2nd, 2013Ellie's friend Kate just walked in and asked if Elile could play. Ellie came bolting down the stairs, happily shrieking, "KATE! We can play Kindergarten! Since we know ALL ABOUT IT now!"
Now they're out jumping on the trampoline, 'cause apparently that's what you do in Kindergarten :-)

Isaac's First Day of Preschool

Isaac was so excited to start Preschool.  He was starting a week after everyone else in his class, since we'd gone on vacation that first week (then he missed his second day back because he was throwing up -- poor kid only made it once in the first two weeks of school!)