Can I Just Vent a Little?

(Alternate title: Potty Training is a Soul Sucking Exercise in Futility).


I'm probably not the most patient of people, but I try.  To varying degrees of success. 

But I'm feeling more and more at the end of my rope, having done many big, dramatic things and made huge changes in my kids' lives, and yet seeing only minor payoff for those efforts.

It was 10 months ago where I decided to cut ALL milk out of my children's diets.  Diagnoses of Celiac and EoE and EGIDs followed, and we cut more foods.  And more foods.  And my kids eat like health-conscious rock stars.  And yet.

Sigh.

This is where if you don't want to hear about feces, you should just stop now.  You've been warned.

I've mentioned the mountains of poop.  The piles and piles of feces that I can't seem to get out from under.  (So just had a flashback to the 'Poopsmith' from Homestar Runner, and it made me giggle.)  Three kids where dealing with their endless poop is a daily battle.  A year ago, Ellie was having poopy accidents, just little ones, but they were daily and it had me concerned.  I've turned our lives upside down, had them repeatedly put under, done countless test and spent enough money they my tears just welled up in my eyes just thinking about it.  And yet I threw away two pairs of underwear of hers yesterday, because there was so much poop in each of them that they weren't even worth cleaning.  And this happens daily.  Multiple times a day.  And her eczema is cracking her toes and heels again, making her cry.

Potty training, as mentioned before, feels like a soul-sucking exercise in futility.  To put it in perspective, I cleaned out probably 10 pair of Ellie's underwear in the last week (in addition to the three pair I just threw away).  We started potty training this kid 2 1/2 years ago.  TWO AND A HALF YEARS, and where has it gotten us?  Granted, she was dealing with undiagnosed food allergies and Celiac for much of that, but even once we got that under control, we haven't seen marked improvement.  Which brings me to Isaac.  Nearing 3 1/2, and no nearer potty training than when he was 2.  There's lots of sitting on potties.  LOTS.  There's even lots of success at it.  But, there's been no improvement in our lives, no less work for me, seemingly no fewer diapers for him.  (For instance, he pooped in the potty the other day.  Somehow got some of it on HIS FOOT, then came out of the bathroom to tell me all about his big 'success'.  Even when the kid poops in the potty, I end up carpet shampooing.  For the love. 

I was so proud of Isaac before he used the potty before preschool yesterday (something he's been doing more and more).  And was heartsick when I got a text from his preschool teacher that he'd already pooped in three diapers at school within the first hour and a half.  And he came home and we had more poopy diapers.  He's off of wheat, soy and dairy.  We could try peanuts and eggs again, but it didn't really help much before.  I just don't know what to do, and he's nearing 3 1/2 and no nearer to potty trained, and yet another part of me thinks, "What kind of insane person would even potty train him -- he pooped 4 times in less than 2 hours yesterday morning -- is that even FAIR to him to put him in underwear?!  He's three!  I don't want to be out at grocery shopping and have to worry about mad dashes to the nearest public restroom.  Does it make my life easier or harder to do this?!"  And his EoE is the most out of control, and the plans going forward are big and scary and hard and suck.  But, what choice do I have?  Part of me resents ever finding out about this stupid disease and the fact they all have it, but I know, and I can't just ignore it.  We've done the hardcore meds for awhile, but the allergist said it's time to go off of them and try something different (especially when he's getting a scary, dangerous bacterial skin infection repeatedly that we can't seem to completely get rid of
and the doctors are saying it probably has to do with his steroid use), but I'm resistant to the next big food elimination and want to put off the next food trial until after December (I want him scoped out of allergy season first, so we can have a non-pollen-y baseline to go off of), but I'm not sure if I'm being a bad, lazy parent in not getting right on with what the doctors' want me to do next.  (I now screen the G.I.'s office's calls because they're just keep calling and bugging me that my kids are all due for another scope, but I'm not quite ready, plus we just finished allergy testing (that cost $170 out of pocket and told us nothing besides the fact Isaac is apparently pretty darn allergic to adhesives), so we haven't even had time to do another food trial even if I had started the next one.

Then my little Owen.  Actually, out of everyone, he's the one who gives me the most of that 'maybe this has all been worth it' feeling.  He's gained weight, and though he had two blow out diapers yesterday on top of the non-blowout poopy ones, overall his digestive system does seem healthier.  His villi in his gut healed remarkably well (probably facilitating the weight gain), and we won't know for awhile about how his nutrition levels have improved, but I assume they have.  (His last blood work showed several low levels, that were mildly concerning, but with his villi healed, they think he'll bounce back quickly.)  So, at least I can look at him and think, "This is doing some good."  Other than that though, even though I know Ellie's EoE numbers improved dramatically, I look at what we've done with their lives and kinda question, "Is this working?  Is it worth it?  Do they feel better?  Is it worth taking a different treat then all the kids in their class, being different at every event, bringing their own cupcakes to birthday parties, for minimal, almost unnoticeable improvements? Is whatever little quality of life they've gained through this worth the quality of life it costs them?" But, what really is the other option -- I can't unknow what I know about their health, and I don't really want to, it just feels like it sometimes. 

There are days I end up just crying -- tired, overwhelmed, scared, and just wanting a break from the worry and stress and poop of it all.  I'm thankful for the improvements they have made, and I try and keep focused on it, but there is a whole future of 'who the heck knows what comes next' and no foreseeable end to the problems right at hand, and it's hard not to feel stuck.

Really stuck.