And Now I'm Tired . . .

Isaac's been a fairly decent little sleeper. Until a few nights ago.

He'd nap well all day, then at night he was going 3 and sometimes even 4 hours between feedings for the first half the night (then like every 2 hours from there). I was getting the rest I needed and feeling pretty good.

Then the kid turned 3 weeks old and decided to screw the whole sleeping thing.

His morning nap today: 15 freaking minutes. After fighting him for hours to go down for a nap, the kid slept 15 stupid minutes. It took another 30 minutes of fighting him to get him back to sleep for another half hour.

Last night he woke up nearly hourly, and stayed awake for up to an hour at a time in between.

The night before wasn't much better.

Which means that my amazing postpartum mood is now fried. I was amazed that for that first weeks I hadn't even been so much as a little bit teary eyed. In the past I've never suffered from postpartum depression, thankfully, but I've had a bit of the occasional baby blues. I felt overwhelmed and a bit lonely when I was suddenly home all day with a colicky infant when Annie was born. And then I'd look at a sleeping two year old Annie after Ellie's birth and think how much throwing a new younger sibling into her world was gonna shake things up and I'd end up weeping to Greg about how she has no idea that her whole world had changed and it wasn't just her and Mommy anymore, and Greg would start to look concerned and finally ask, "Um, is this, like, something I should be concerned about . . . like a postpartum thing?" I'd assure him I was just a bit emotional, but fine.

Since Isaac's birth, I've been surprised that although the physical recovery seemed to kick my butt much more this time, but I've never felt so good emotionally and mentally after having a baby.

Until I started to fear for my sleep. Then I start to cry. The other night, at 4AM, I was whimpering to Greg about how Isaac was sleeping crappy and I was tired and I just wanted to fall back asleep and Isaac kept fussing and wasn't sleeping and what have I done wrong that he's not sleeping and what if I somehow screwed up some motherhood thing and I somehow ruined my good sleeping baby from a few days ago and he's now been replaced with this horrible sleeper that won't nap or go back to sleep . . . I was probably rambling a bit.

See, I have near PTSD when it comes to sleep. Annie was a HORRID sleeper, and it was awful and I was so tired and almost non-functioning that it was scary. I never want to be that tired again. I also harbor intense guilt and worry that I somehow caused it. Sure, my husband points out sweetly to me that there was nothing either of us could do to make that child sleep. Trust me, we tried it all. We tried everything in the world to get her to sleep, and she just isn't much of a sleeper. At two years old on a drive back from California after a solid week of a long, exhausting vacation, she took one 30 minute nap all day. (Ellie didn't do much better -- she wasn't even a year old and even with spending ALL day in a car, she took one 55 minute nap that day. My kids just aren't big sleepers. I don't know why they don't sleep like other kids, especially somewhere like trapped in a car all day, but they just don't.) Other people, possibly not as reassuring as my husband, have how they turned out to be such bad sleepers. Did I just not put them down when they were tired? Did I not 'teach them self-soothing skills'? I mean, they're babies, they should just sleep . . . so what did I do as their mother to get in the way of that? As toddlers and preschoolers, why are they fighting bedtime this much? You should just be able to put them down and they'll eventually fall asleep? You just need a sleep routine. That's how kids work, so why are mine different? I stress about this more than you know. I should mention, I've come down clearly on the side of 'I've done NOTHING wrong' and 'I did everything I knew to do' and 'I've read every single freaking book and some kids just don't like to sleep.' But, motherhood (as you may know) is a guilt trap, and if there's something that sets our kids apart, that has people asking us "Why are they like that?", it's hard not to obsess about all your parenting decisions and wonder where it all went wrong. Funny thing is, I know it's just who they are. I was a craptacular sleeper as a baby. According to my Mom, I gave up all naps at 6 weeks old. SIX WEEKS. No matter what they tried. By a year, they wouldn't even let me nap on the rare occasion I wanted to -- 'cause if they did, I was up 'til midnight that night, and wouldn't let my parents get to sleep. I was a horrible sleeper. Greg, on the other hand, took something like two 2-hour naps 'til Kindergarten. Some kids just need, and want, more sleep than others. Greg's genetics just have not kicked in with our girls yet, and they're unfortunately a lot more like me than him when it comes to sleep. Stupid karma.

Anyway, so to suddenly be kept up much longer than usual the last few nights with a fussy Isaac has me a bit terrified. Then today, him not settling down and taking a nap for nearly four hours of fussiness this morning only amplified that terror.

And my mind immediately goes to, "What am I doing wrong?" What if he becomes a horrible sleeper too . . . three out of three, that has to be my fault, right?

Is there a way to turn off the stupid, nagging, self doubt that comes with motherhood? And turn up that voice that reminds me that I have amazing mothering instincts, and I just need to go with them and stop worrying that I'm screwing him up every time something I try doesn't work . . .

More Pictures

Yay, I'm practically giddy! Gianne posted more pictures of Isaac on her website: http://giannesnow.com/blog/?p=133
Check 'em out!
He's so adorable (although, I'm admittedly biased.)

Gianne mentions on her post that it's the first time she's been peed on by a newborn (although she's almost 30 weeks pregnant with her first boy, so it won't be the last). :-) But she doesn't quantify it -- he peed repeatedly. Like 7 or 8 times. On Gianne, on Star, on me . . . on the lamp, on the little side table, on half of the linens and backdrops Gianne brought. The child is well hydrated.

Also, he's pretty much the most immodest baby she'd ever photographed. :-) He has a real future as an exhibitionist. Every time Gianne would gently fold his legs or tuck his ankles under one another, the kid would immediately sprawl his legs out to either side and expose himself as fully as humanely possible. He knows what's comfortable. :-)

One Out of Three Ain't Bad . . .

The other day my Mom had a chance to talk with the nurse who delivered Isaac. Seems she was very concerned about my 'experience'.

Not labor itself -- she said she was amazed when I was suddenly delivering, as I hadn't been acting about like I was in active labor, let alone transition. That had all gone well. What concerned her was that my baby had been delivered by the nurse (her), and not my midwife. (Although, technically, they hadn't gotten ahold of my midwife anyway, so it was already her partner covering my labor.) Seems that this nurse has seen several patients in similar situations, delivery being handled by a nurse or another doctor, and it's been very upsetting to them to not have their own doctor there for delivery.

The funny thing is it has just become our norm.

I'm one for three on my doctor being there for delivery.

Annie chose her due date to be born -- and it happened to be the one weekend of my entire pregnancy when my doctor was out of town. (One person told us he was fishing or something, another said that he was at a medical conference. I was glad the guy got a vacation every once in awhile, I'd hate to think the only time he got out of town was to go to medical things.) So, a woman I had never met before came in and 'caught' Annie. And it didn't bug me.

Ellie was my only child to be delivered by the doctor I saw during her pregnancy. (He was just there for the last 5 minutes, of course.)

I never thought for it to be upsetting that my midwife hadn't been there for Isaac's delivery. I just needed Greg, myself and the baby -- along with at least one competent medical personnel to handle any issues that may arise. Heck, I was just so glad this baby was finally OUT after waiting nearly a week past my due date for his grand entrance. :-) In fact, it was kinda cool to just have it all happen so quick that delivery was handled by the same woman who'd handled everything else during my brief hospital stay. Plus, it made for a fun and exciting story later on.

So, two out of our three children weren't delivered by the medical professional who'd handled their entire pregnancy. (I still wonder how the medical people involved 'split' my bills among themselves) :-).

My midwife warned Greg and I though -- be ready for Greg to deliver the next one -- with as fast as Isaac came, there's no guarantees that my midwife, doctor or even a nurse will be there in time. :-) She said she hoped Greg had taken notes. :-)

Quick Preview

Gianne just posted a few sneak peek photos from our photo shoot (there'll be more later this week), but here's two cute ones for now . . .
http://giannesnow.com/blog/?p=130

24th of July Family Party

Traditionally on the 24th of July, we get together at my Aunt Judy's house for breakfast, followed by my grandparents and a few others watching the parade on TV, and the rest of us tend to play ping pong or air hockey downstairs, or go swimming outside. My Aunt Sheri and Uncle Mike even drove down from Idaho to come for breakfast. This year was pretty similar, except that we also had our friend, Gianne, come out to Aunt Judy's house to get some baby pictures of Isaac. Star, Gianne, Isaac and I spent a couple hours posing Isaac for cute pictures, and trying to keep up with all his peeing (much of the photo shoot was nude and he's well hydrated). Annie, Ellie and Daddy (along with Aunt Lacy and Grandpa (or 'Bobby' as Ellie nicknamed him and almost exclusively calls him now)), went swimming in the pool outside. The old people (Hi Mom! Just kidding!) stayed inside and watched the parade. (She was being a good daughter and hanging out with her parents. She's not usually lame.) :-)

Before Gianne got there though, my Uncle Karl got to meet Isaac for the first time. Karl loves babies, and was so excited to touch Isaac's little feet and hands and to be able to hold him. Despite Karl not being able to talk very well, my Grandparents told me he's been happily chanting, "Isaac, Isaac, Isaac!" crystal clear ever since he heard I had the baby. Karl was thrilled to meet Isaac, and once he had him in his arms, he immediately started to 'eskimo kiss' the top of Isaac's little head. It was so sweet, and I took approximately 9000 photos of it.



After Karl got his chance to hold Baby Isaac, we headed in to begin the photo shoot with Gianne. I snapped just a couple random pictures, while Gianne was working.

Here's Aunt Star, calming down Isaac after one of the times he'd peed on himself (and others).

Isaac confused as to why we were putting him in a hat when it was 90 degrees outside.
And while he was nude.
'Cause it's freakin' adorable Isaac. That's why.

Star took a couple pictures of Isaac and me.
They make my heart melt.
And it makes me happy that I have photographic evidence that I did my hair. That's only happened like twice in the past 2+ weeks. :-)

This boy is my best sleeper. But, that's all relative. I think Gianne was surprised he stayed awake for so long for our photo shoot, being that he's still less than three weeks old. Especially since we were all so antsy for him to fall asleep to get some 'sleeping shots'. It took a nursing session, a bunch of rocking and cuddling, and a lot of his pacifier, but he finally fell asleep for the last part of picture taking . . .

Annie could've stayed at the pool all day, I think. After about three hours we made her come back in so we could get home.

I love her hair all natural and chlorine-soaked. :-)

Annie, not happy about something.

Ellie'd had fun at the pool too, but didn't quite have Annie's interest and came back inside anytime anyone accidentally splashed her. She had fun inside though, mugging for the camera.

And sucking up to Aunt Star for more of her grape lip gloss.

Just a couple more "Annie mugging for the camera" shots.
The girls also had their pictures taken by Gianne, for a few minutes. Annie was a perfect little model, happily posing and smiling. Ellie was not so cooperative.

Dress Rehearsal

Isaac is having some pictures taken tomorrow -- and I spent a chunk of the evening trying to figure out what he should wear. I got out a couple of the 0-3 month outfits we'd bought for Church, figuring they'd be a bit dressier than the average onesie. But even with his impressive weight gain and height, this kid isn't able to totally fill out a 0-3 month outfit . . .

My favorite was the pants -- his little newborn frog legs would curl up and get stuck in the crotch of the pants -- even fully stretched out, his feet were only hitting at the knees.

This outfit was so cute -- I wanted to just put him in a pair of sunglasses and just the long dress shirt and call it good . . .

One more random picture, from earlier today . . .

Sleeping peacefully -- so sweet!

6 Years

Six years . . . three kids . . . still the best decision I ever made.

Happy Anniversary, Hon!

Tummy Time

My girls hated tummy time . . . and with their colicky freak outs, we didn't push it as much as we maybe should've until they were like 4 months old. Which probably explains why they weren't the least bit interested in, or ready for, crawling until 8-9 months.
I think we're gonna run into tummy time problems with Isaac as well. Not due to colic. But due to the fact that every time I put my 15 day old down on his tummy today, he grunted unhappily then promptly rolled himself back over onto his back. Sigh.
The first time I thought it might be a fluke. I'd kinda propped him up on his elbows a bit, giving him leverage for rolling. So, the next time I spread out his arms to his sides and tried to reestablish tummy time. Only to watch him flip himself over a minute or two later. We tried it again -- and he flipped himself over again.
We suck at tummy time at our house.

Lots o' Baby Pictures

So -- I'm finally getting around to another question. How much does Isaac look like his sisters?
They all had about the same amount of hair (which is not that much) -- and it was all pretty equally dark. All three have their Daddy's ears. When Isaac was born, he reminded me of Ellie. Not that they looked just alike, but that his face was shaped more like hers. And his lips are more like Ellie's lips, the top lip tends to be more prominent (whereas it was Annie's bottom lip that showed up more in most of her pictures). His eyes are way bluer than either of theirs ever have been -- the girls both had eyes that were much more gray than blue, whereas his are more blue than gray. Who knows what'll happen with that though?

Here are Ellie pictures from the first three weeks:

Here's some Annie pictures from that first several weeks:

(OK, so that last one might've been a little bit photoshopped. But not much, this basically was the first 4-5 months at our house after Annie was born.) :-)

And here's Isaac's in the first few weeks:

So, I don't really know how much they look alike -- I really am the world's worst person at figuring out who babies look like. I think they look like siblings though. Holding him and nursing him is very deja vu-ish at times.

Another question I've gotten (look at that, two in one day! I'm an overachiever!) is what it's like having a little boy?
He makes my heart melt. I mean, all my kids did, but I think there really may be something different to the whole 'mother/son' thing I've heard so much about. Annie and Ellie loved me, and I could hold and cuddle them for hours. But when they were pissed, they needed Daddy to swoop in and calm them down. He could swaddle, rock and shush way better than Mom ever could. My trump card was that I could nurse them, but there was no denying that Greg was better at calming them down through non-being-a-pacifier means. Isaac though -- this kid loves me. And not just for my milk. :-) In the middle of the night, when he's fussy and swaddling and rocking just aren't cutting it, he will instantly fall asleep when Greg puts him in my arms. He doesn't even want to nurse, he just wants me to hold him. I love it.
It is different having a boy after two girls, it's taken some mental adjustment. But I haven't tried to call him 'princess' in over a week. :-)
He has also been much calmer and a better sleeper than the girls -- apparently boys are less drama from the get-go. :-)
I've only been peed on a few times. He can definitely get more distance -- but he has nothin' on Annie. That kid peed on us every time we opened up a diaper. And even without any special equipment, that girl could pee a good 12-18 inches. Isaac on the other hand seems to save all his pee for his diapers -- which overflow and flood out his outfit and blankets at least once a day, despite us changing his diaper every 2 hours or so. The child has amazing bladder capacity.

I'm gonna go for a third and final question for the day -- How are the girls adjusting?
Annie and Ellie LOVE Isaac. They love to hold him and cuddle him and kiss him. They both kiss him at least a hundred times a day. They're smitten. Ellie LOVES to come help me burp him . . . I'd prefer she not want to come and constantly smack him on the back. She gets mad at how often I stop her from using him to help her get up from a seated position -- apparently Mom is quite mean in not letting her lean her entire body weight into his stomach.
So, they love him.
Life in general -- they're less happy about. Nothing major, just a lot more whining and crying than we're used to (or that Mom has a lot of patience for right now.) Ellie's a major Daddy's girl, and follows him around the house whenever he's home. She freaks out over the littlest thing, and the two fight over every little thing right now. Sigh. Annie's got more attitude and sass than any 4 year old has a right to possess -- and although we don't let her get away with talking back, we're trying not to make a big deal out of it, hoping once life settles into more of a normal rhythm some of it will disappear. (Let's hope.)
Annie has been quite helpful though -- if I'm nursing when Ellie and Annie wake up, Annie will go downstairs and get yogurt out to tide Ellie over until I can come downstairs to fix a real breakfast. (Ellie has to eat within 10 minutes of waking up or so, or she freaks out. The child can't go long without food.) They will both go and get me diapers, bringing me anything I need, and even help put away the laundry, unload the dishwasher, or clean up our rooms.
They're fighting bedtime even more than normal, if that's even possible. Ellie can spend a good 2 hours in bed at night without falling asleep. Poor Annie has to fall asleep listening to her little sister blab and talk and cry and sing and shriek and freak out and laugh and chatter for hours at a time.
I keep telling myself things'll go back to normal (or reach some new normal) sometime in the not-too-distant future. Right?

Lil' Chunk

Isaac had his two week check up today, and everything went well (there was the whole heel-bleeding-PKU-thing I'd rather forget about.)

He weighed in at 9 lbs. even. (Up from 8 lbs. 1 oz. at birth). He was 55% on the charts.

His length was 21.25". (Up from 20" at birth). A whopping 75th percentile. This is the first time any of my kids have been above like 25% on the charts in height. At this rate, he'll be taller than Ellie at 18 months old :-)

His head was 80th percentile . . . which is the smallest of my kids heads at this stage. But way more proportional, since my girls have been like 85th-90th percentile heads and 5% weights. :-)

He has some seriously long arms and long fingers. And a very furrowed little brow.

He seems health and strong and doing amazing. He sleeps better than the girls ever did (although, nearing two weeks old, his sleep has gotten a little less amazing), and is the least fussy baby I've ever had. He screamed while they did the heel prick, and it was the longest I'd ever heard him cry. He's adorable, gorgeous and perfect. In my humble opinion. :-) I just can't get over how lucky I am.

Sunday Family Dinner

My Mom is an overachiever. Which means that despite having a hysterectomy earlier this week, she still planned a Family Sunday dinner today with all the grandparents over. Greg and I headed over a little early, to try and help out, but of course she already had almost everything done. As crazy as I thought she was planning a big meal the week of surgery, it was great to have all the grandparents around to get some pictures with Isaac. Plus, it's always fun to get together with my family and hang out. And, it gets me out of the house, but to a place where everyone plays with my kids and cooks my family a good meal. Works for me!

My cute little boy

Here's Isaac with Great Grandma

Grandpa Robert (or 'Bobby' as Ellie randomly started calling him awhile back) working out Isaac's biceps. Grandpa assured me that if Isaac exercised more, he'd sleep better at night.

My sleepy little boy with his Mama

Isn't he like the sweetest thing ever?
And, I'm happy to say I did my hair today. Straightened it for the first time since giving birth. Felt very human. :-)

Isaac with another Great Grandma

Greg freaking out all the Great Grandmas by flipping Ellie around in the air

Great Grandpa with Isaac

Isaac chillin' with Aunt Talina

Ellie and Mommy mugging for the camera . . . Ellie's ever-present 'cheesy smile'

Ellie with Daddy

Grumpy Ellie

Talina and Isaac again

Cheesy Annie

Grandma Karine holding Isaac while Great Grandma works the laptop, checking out the internet to read her grandchildren's blogs -- something I never thought I'd see.

Uncle Cody pretending to be asleep with Isaac. Isaac wasn't very good at pretending to sleep -- Cody kinda sucked too :-)

Have I mentioned the amazing sandbox my parents put in their backyard for the girls to play with? It's awesome. It's huge and the sand is literally a couple feet deep. Cody and Annie have been working in it all summer -- building walls and towers and flooding it at every chance.
I put Annie in there to try to show some scale, but I don't know if it truly does the sand structures justice.
The walls around the outside of the 'lake' are over a foot high in most places, and the towers range from short to huge.

It probably doesn't help too much, but for some perspective, the yellow boat in the lake (half hidden by one of the towers) is like two feet long.

Annie and Ellie could hang out with Cody all day every day, if he didn't have that pesky 'work' thing getting in the way of their fun and building.